I grew up in the church and I have had great experiences . I have learned so much that gave me unbreakable spiritual foundations. I like to describe my spiritual journey like climbing a mountain that never has an ending. Each section I stop at to rest, gives me more knowledge about the peak. I can not separate myself and my core from the values I retained. Great experiences existed but there were traumatizing experiences that plagued me until I CHOSE HEALING!
I refuse to rehearse fully old experiences just to be rehearsing. So I will start with saying there were times I felt outcast for challenging authority. I researched and I studied. I never took a person's word for anything. That wasn't always received well. I was at times classified as a trouble maker and I was not in the inner circles. I remember times I was embarrassed over pulpits. I can recall wanting so badly to be accepted by the inner circle and it just wasn't happening. I can recall rumors being spread about me and my children that hit hard as a single parent . A lot of it was Just outright lies or baseless assumptions. When I became a leader it didn't get better, but by then my skin had toughened. I was so shelled in, I went through a full on depression while people in the church looked on. I worked, preached, prayed and prophesied. Very few knew the magnitude of my depression. Some said nothing, others talked about me behind my back and then some came to me in secret like Nicodemus to say they were praying. They just couldn't afford to let the inner circle know they reached out to me.
I have faced character assassination like you wouldn't believe. Students that I taught jumped on the rumor wagons of other disgruntled and dishonest students. Many would come to me for ordination and licenses and I just didn't abide. As a spiritual leader ordaining a person is a important task. Giving people licenses to preach when they have they refuse to gain knowledge was a NO FOR ME. I had people to email and inbox me who had no leader, were not apart of anyone's ministry who wanted me to lay hands on them. They wanted to use me for my ability and would speak negative if I didn't abide their request. I learned early in ministry to LAY HANDS ON NO MAN SUDDENLY! YOU HURD ME ! I have had other leaders to speak ill of me or call into question my associations. I looked at it from the point of view that Jesus went everywhere. He spread the gospel to all PEOPLE. Didn't matter who the people were or the lives they lived HE WAS SENT and SO WAS I! I KEPT GOING! Despite their kitchen table gossip sessions. Ohhhh I could go on but its just not necessary. All of these negative experiences were recorded trauma in my mind and body.
Religious trauma or church hurt and we know it to be, is abuse that that requires healing. We can act as if it isn't but in truth it spiritual abuse. The bullying shows up as character assassination, exclusion and rumors. It shows up as control and withholding positions because you just don't say what they need you say. It shows up as people not supporting your functions because you don't fit or look like the standard woman or man of God. It even shows up as sexual seduction and manipulation. Yes sexual seduction happens in the church, just like in the workplace. Until we recognize how to value ourselves, enact healthy boundaries , and refuse to be initiated in their cliques , we will remain steeped in trauma. Releasing it is so much easier when you realize WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
In my times of meditation the Spirit would remind me of my PECULIARITY. I was the stone that builders rejected, but I was also HEAD OF THE CORNER. I understood that my assignment in this earth plane supersedes the pain I had experienced. I had to learn vital lessons, even in the negative experiences. I hold nothing against anyone. My heart is filled with love and I have forgiven. I am FREE! I had to embrace my power and authority . I knew I was sent here to TRANSFORM be a CONDUIT OF HEALING. I had to experience the pain because it helps me relate to all I touch today.
I encourage you to see the religious trauma/church hurt differently. Their words , tactics, exclusions, and abuse DID NOT STOP YOU! You are wiser and stronger. VALUE YOUR GIFTS and continue to share them with the world. EMBRACE HEALING with surrender and release and STAND IN YOUR SPIRITUAL POWER!
This Too Shall Pass,