You may have heard of the term trauma bonding. I want to simplify the definition of it , so that you may gain greater understanding. When we connect at the level of trauma instead of health, the foundation is faulty. For example when you relate to people who have experienced the same trauma as you, but you haven't healed from that trauma. You can relate to each others experience ,because they bear stark similarities. However the lack of healing will present itself in the connection, because the trauma IS STILL THERE.
Trauma bonding is common and sometimes not noticeable AT FIRST. You can feel really connected to a person like literally you are the same person in two bodies. Then as you have more conversations, you find that this person has qualities that you just don't care for. Many people act out of their trauma. And in truth they are MIRRORING what is present in you.
Jane was hurt by John 15yrs ago . It was devastating to her . She carried that pain and guarded her heart. She only engaged at a surface level with everyone. She appeared happy , healthy and free. Then Jane met Rhonda. Rhonda had a similar situation about 10yrs ago and like Jane she guarded and kept going. One day Jane was recognizing that Rhonda was treating her in a very surface way and she didn't like it. She confronted Rhonda only to have her deny it profusely.
This example shows how when people connect at the level of trauma and lack of healing , their coping strategies get in the way of healthy connection. What's ironic is Jane is very surface herself, but wanted Rhonda to stop being surface because it felt like distance.
Shawn and Kameron shared the same type of detached parenting in childhood. Neither have engaged in healing. Both have serious trust and control issues. The control is a coping mechanism that presents narcissistic tendencies. Kameron gets upset with Shawn because Shawn tries to control the dynamics of their friendship. What starts as a conversation blows up to full blown argument and parting of ways. Neither Shawn or Kameron have learned healthy communication. They just bonded because trauma was all they had in common.
If you can begin to identify areas that you haven't healed, you can also identify if you have connected at the level of trauma. It's ok if you have but the key is to engage in healing. Patterns will continue to surface , it you don't get to the ROOT!
Healing With You,